Questions

I'm bored and can't sleep...and this is the result! :P

The questions were taken from the blog "Mind of Mine". I'm sure he won't mind :)

1. If your lover betrayed you, what will your reaction be?
It depends in what way. If they were to cheat on me or lie to me about something serious then I would most likely cut them off and stop all contact. A while ago I would have said try to discuss it with them and find out why or what their reasons were but lately I've found it to be much more effective and less stressful to just stop making effort with those that are bad for you :)

2. If you can have a dream to come true, what would it be?
To be a successful singer/songwriter. I'm not a great singer and have only written a few songs which was purely down to a very musically inclined group of friends encouraging me to do so. I have absolutely no intention of pursuing this dream as I know I am just not talented enough but I love singing. Even when I'm awful I still really enjoy it. If I was good enough to do it for a living I would jump at the chance!

3. What is the one thing most hated by you?
Hmm, I hate a lot of things. A pet peeve of mine is when people leave stuff on sofas. Newspapers, plates, mugs, phones and particularly glasses! If you don't want you're glasses broken then do not leave them where I sit! It is the most infuriating thing. I actually just throw stuff to the other side of the room when it's left on the sofa it just really annoys me.

4. What would you do with a billion dollars?
This is very boring answer...but I would invest the majority of it. I would allow myself an allowance to spend and I would use the money to go through uni without getting any debt. I would DEFINITELY travel the world. I love travelling and that kind of money would give me so much freedom. Most of all I wouldn't tell anyone I had a billion dollars and I would never make it obvious by suddenly wearing diamond in-crusted shirts. I think it would come with so much expectation and make you become wrapped up in the money. I would never want a friend to expect money and I would never want myself to end up expecting something from a friend because I have given them gifts/money. I think its just simpler to keep it hidden. If I have a $100 in my bank account I don't announce it to everyone so why announce it when I have a billion :) (this careful consideration is pointless as I will never have a billion dollars...)

5. Could you fall in love with your best friend?

I have. I fell in love with my best male friend but at the same time was persuading myself that because I was so close to my best female friend I could get over the fact she was a girl and love her. I didn't.

6. Which is more blessed, loving someone or being loved by someone?
When someone has had feelings for me in the past and I haven't had any for them I've always felt guilty and confused about how to handle the situation. I never like it. Plus I also find people being overly complimentary/affectionate/friendly when I don't feel the same a huge turn off. Even in terms of friendships. Not that I like people playing hard to get.

Then when I have loved someone I always go through massive highs and lows. But the feelings are of course much more intense and even if it's unrequited I for some reason appreciate the fact I feel anything at all...so based on this I would say loving someone is more blessed.

7. How long do you intend to wait for someone you really love?
If this is asking how long before I "make do" then I'll wait forever. If this is asking how long I expect to wait till I fall in love, I say I'll fall in love in the next few years. I don't believe there is a "one", just people you're more compatible with.

8. If the person you secretly like is already attached, what would you do?
If I really liked them I would probably not do anything. Purely because if I did make a move and I was successful I would think less of the person I liked and probably not see any future relationship with them. If I was desperately in love I would perhaps tell them but not do anything while they are still coupled.

If I liked them just for sex I wouldn't make a move. I'm not going wreck someones relationship because of my lust.

9. If you'd like to act (movies, stage) with someone, who would it be?
Hmm, Ryan Gosling! I like every film I've seen him in and he's hot in a boyfriend way rather than a one night stand way. I actually find boyfriend-hot waayyy hotter :)

10. What do you expect of your loved one?
To love me. To be trustworthy but not to the extent where they must tell me everything they do but just a mutual understanding that we love and respect eachother enough not to lie or cheat. Also a relationship where, if there were problems we can openly say. I have had a few friendships like this in my life where we can openly state when there is an issue or one of us has a problem.

11. How would you see yourself in ten years time?
10 years time I will be 28. I expect I'll be working full time but will love my job. I hope I'll have a boyfriend and we will travel together and possibly live together. (I kind of hope my boyfriend is foreign but it's not a deal breaker) We won't be married or in a civil partnership. I won't live in the UK, I will have moved to a different North-western European country or Canada or somewhere like that. I'll be happy.

12. What’s your fear?
That I'll fail at my studies/career. For many years now I've had a deep fear that I'm not as clever as I'm told or my grades suggest and that I will reach a level where it's too difficult and everyone will discover I'm actually not very intelligent. I have also wondered how much of my academic/career choices have been my own and how much are down to my upbringing and the influence of my family. Whenever I have performed badly I am most concerned by disappointing my family and not achieving the same standards of my older siblings.


13. Would you rather be single and rich or married, but poor?
If I had to be single for the whole of my life, I would most certainly rather be in love (not necessarily married) and poor. As long as I wasn't so poor it had adverse effects on the love...

14. What’s the first thing you do when you wake up?
Lie there thinking how bad my sleep was the previous night. I have an awful sleeping pattern and wake up most mornings with my alarm going of for the 15th time and feeling more tired than when I went to bed.

15. Do you ever hold back in a relationship?
I have never been in a long-term relationship with a man, only fleeting romances with girls during which I held back plenty!

16. If you fell in love with two people simultaneously, how would you pick?
I would hope I would pick the person that was best for me, or who loved me too. But in reality I would probably go for the one who I was more passionately attracted too, which in turn probably means they aren't very good for me. This is the case in the past but I've changed a lot in the past 6 months so maybe not...

17. Would you forgive and forget no matter how horrible a thing that special someone has done?
No. It takes me quite a long time to forgive people and I never forget. There are things friends have done to me years ago that I forgave them for at the time and they won't remember but I still remember them.

18. What are your three most important expectations in love?
Mutual understanding/trust, Honesty, Attraction

Films

Been to the cinema loads recently. Some of the films I've seen:

(I'm going to focus on the faults so if it seems like I hate all the films...I didn't!)

Hanna

I liked it! I didn't quite get into it as much as I would've liked because I was with a large group that decided to be pricks and make noise constantly. That is one of my pet peeves. I can't stand people making unnecessary noise in the cinema! Anyway, I felt it was trying to be more "artsy" than it really was. Either that or it had been altered to suit mainstream audiences which actually made it less enjoyable. And there were parts where I was just thinking, "why on earth they do that? That's ridiculous" But they were few and far between so overall decent movie.

4/5

Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides

I tend not to like sequels as often they are never as good as the first film and are often purely made because movie companies know there's already a fanbase so it's guaranteed to make money. (Shrek 4 for example is the most pointless movie ever made...ever) I loved the first PofC, the second was okay but no where near as good as the first and the third was just downright stupid so I wasn't expecting anything from the fourth. However, I was pleasantly surprised! It was much more simple like the first one. I felt the second and third tried way to hard and ended up just having far too many overlapping story-lines. I don't even remember what the third one was about! This one was much more basic and went back to the easy-going comedy side that I loved in the first one. Of course, the first is still the best but for a sequel I thought this was pretty darn good!

It also lacked the mind-numbingly forced "talents" of Knightley and Bloom which I think was a good thing. I hated the sub-plot of the "new Orlando Bloom" though. Some random pretty boy was captured and fell in love with a mermaid...It didn't contribute to the story AT ALL and was so vomit-inducing to watch. It was purely put in the film to fill the "2 young Caucasian pretty people falling in love" slot previously filled by Knightley and Bloom. Afterwards I was thinking, would they ever have a subplot where the handsome guy was Black? or the mermaid was Asian? Somehow I think not.

Depp was great as per usual and I think it was an improvement after the 2nd and 3rd. They still shouldn't make a 5th...

3.5/5

Thor

I again wasn't expecting much. It was better than I thought it would be and Chris Hemsworth is fiiiiiiiiiine! It's not a serious thinker but for passive entertainment it was okay. I didn't like the spontaneous romance between Thor and Natalie Portman's character. They literally met, spoke for 5 minutes and then were like, "I'll love you forever!" ...right.

I also felt it got worse when the battles and everyone from Thor's world came to Earth, it just was TOO unrealistic. I know it's fiction...quite clearly. But I just was not having it at all.

I also think my view of this film was improved because I saw it in this old fashioned cinema with massive leather armchairs and sofas. I had never been to one like this before and I think I enjoyed it so much I didn't care what film we saw I would love it either way!

(The random cameo by the guy in the Hurt Locker was a strange addition...I thought I was seeing things as he was in it for all of 5 seconds)

3/5

Limitless

I was expecting great things. I was disappointed. It was okay, but not as good as I had hoped. There were also far too many inconsistencies which I'm a stickler for. One example...He takes two sips of some guys blood and he's superman again...but that was one pill in 8 pints...he had about 10ml and he somehow the pill worked on him? It wasn't amazing. Also came across as like a more serious version of the film Click with Adam Sandler.

2.5/5

Fast 5

Awful, awful movie! Paul Walker cannot act! It was full of cheesy one liners. A lot of people seemed to love this movie and say it was the best of the bunch. I understand the whole franchise is cheesy and light entertainment but this was by far the most pointless/cheesy/awful out of the bunch. I actually liked the others! Fourth the most.

It pissed me off that they raced to get cars and didn't' even show the race! That's what the whole franchise is about! Car chases!

Also the bit at the end where they drag a safe that is quoted as weighing something like 10 tons with cars that weigh about 2 tons...and the safe goes flying off into buildings and the cars don't even slow down slightly. Shite. You have to be in a very easily amused mood to enjoy it.

0.5/5

Attack the Block

Awesome! Loved it! I thought it was well done and highlighted some important issues about poverty and racism in my country. Great film :) I don't know how people from other countries would find it but I thought it was excellent.

4.5/5

Chalet Girl

I got dragged to this. It's fairly predictable but it's entertaining enough and I actually quite liked it! For teen romance genre it was surprisingly good.

3/5

Disappearance of Alice Creed (on DVD)

Good thriller! Quite graphic if you don't like any nudity or violence but it is an 18 so it's to be expected. I really enjoyed it though and I thought the cast were very good.

4/5

Tron Legacy

I fell asleep. I was very tired but I suspect I would have fallen asleep anyway. Really didn't enjoy it.

1/5

Scream 4

I only saw the first Scream about a month ago and really liked it so went to see the fourth and thought it was really good. For the genre, I thought it was actually really entertaining and I enjoyed it. I also liked the fact there were loads of random cameos, like Kristen Bell and Sookie Stackhouse from Tru Blood.

4/5

The Human Centipede

My brother showed me the trailer for this when it came out in 2009 and it looked disgusting but part of my felt I had to see it so I could just say I had haha! It was on tv in the middle of the night recently so I watched it. It was fairly low budget and incredibly disgusting but I still felt like I had accomplished something by watching it.

For disgusting horror 5/5

For entertaining plot 1/5

The King's Speech

Excellent! So glad Colin Firth won...well everything basically! :D

5/5

The Fighter

Very very good film. I really enjoyed it! Also was surprised at how good Mark Wahlberg was in it! definitely worth a watch.

4.5/5

The Town

Really liked it. Felt a little...short. I'm not sure why, the story just felt quite bare. I didn't like Blake Lively in it. Although I've mentioned before that she could make me straight, she's just an awful actress! She should just sit and look pretty :) Everyone else was terrific.

4/5

I saw lots more but that's all I can think of at the moment.

New movies I want to see:

Bridesmaids - It looks bloody hilarious!

Hangover part II - I actually suspect this will be an awful sequel but I enjoyed the first one so I will dutifully go and see this too.

Blue Valentine - I like all the films I've seen with Ryan Gosling and I'm a sucker for tragic-romance movies.

X-Men: First Class - Looks fun and I like films were people have superpowers because I then spend the rest of the day thinking about what superpower I would want most.

I also kind of want to see Bad Teacher and Horrible Bosses. Even though they don't look great from the trailer and Cameron Diaz really annoys me (The Holiday was mind-numbing) I still like blockbuster comedies with lots of money behind them. It's easy entertainment.

I might be back...we'll see.

So it's a little silly that my last post is titled "I'm back!" and then I disappear...but ah well. I've been pretty busy over the past month or so.

I turned 18! woop woop! nothing changed apart from the fact I could vote for that AV referendum thingy. Everyone was complete idiots about it anyway and it didn't go through but not everyone can be as enlightened as me :)

Nothing else has changed really...I went to buy alcohol (not even for myself) in a supermarket for the first time and didn't get asked for i.d. Rather insulting considering the supermarket has a policy where they request i.d. from everyone that looks under 25... fml :(

I went out a few times but again didn't get i.d.'d. I've frequented many of the places when I was 17 anyway :/ The one place I had always avoided as they have a strict reputation just let me walk in no questions asked. I don't like looking old :( I don't even think I do! Maybe 19, 20 max! Not bloody 25!

I also got a very be-a-utiful macbook pro for my birthday from my parents! I'm not normally spoilt like this, it's just tradition that they go all out on your 18th and 21st. Plus I'll need it for uni next year so it's a good investment. Also got shitloads of money from my sister to go visit her on the other side of the world. She has a pretty well-paid job so she can afford it but it was still VERY generous! I suspect she would not be so generous if the money wasn't to go see her! Ha! Still very much appreciated.

I had my last day of high school. I have 3 more exams to go and sit before the end of the month but I am officially no longer a high school student! :D There's also the school show, prom and awards to go to but no more classes. At the moment I really should be studying but it's so so boring. I've had one exam and it went awfully. It's normally my best subject but this paper was just impossible! Everybody felt the same though so I'm hoping the pass marks will be lowered.

Cannot wait for these exams to be done and then I have just under 4 months to travel and work and go out and tan and have fun before uni :D It's going to be good!

So yeah... I'm back for now. I may completely abandon this again but I hope not. I enjoy it when I actually get around to doing it.

I'm Back

Unwanted attention

Got back a few days ago from my trip to Italia. Had a great time overall and enjoyed the time away. The scenery was stunning! I visited the Alpine region so got lots of photos of snow-capped mountains to take home. I really like Italy. I like the food, I like the language, I like the history, I like the people...mostly. The only think I'm not a huge fan of is how casual the Italians seem to be regarding sexual comments. It could be just British prudishness, but I find it almost offensive sometimes. There were around 20 girls on the trip and almost every single one of them received unwanted attention from Italian men (often men three times their age). I know it's a different culture and different things are acceptable but sometimes it just seemed a bit too much. The guys got attention too but no where near as often or as aggressive as the girls got.

I even "supposedly" got advances from a 30-something Italian guy in the street. He stared directly at me smiling and shouted "hey boys!". I automatically assumed he was insulting the two girls I was sitting with....haha! but was told by one of the girls (who travels a lot) that Italians will often say the plural when they mean the singular. ie. "hey boy!" No more than 30 seconds after this, a 40-something unattractive man cycled past us very very slowly grinning like a mad man and blurted "ciao bella!" like he was about to burst with excitement. I understand foreigners can be exciting and Italians are generally quite forward, but like I said before...it's a bit much.

"Friends"

Another thing that I didn't enjoy had nothing to do with Italy. My "friends". They were driving me insane. There's a lot of drama going on at the moment which I am doing my utmost to avoid. I just act pleasant to them but never engage when they talk about any specific drama because I have come to realise they cause most of the problems in their lives, just so they have something to amuse themselves with! One of the friends there was Jen (see attention seeking) and she had decided she just had to be a bitch to me for the whole week and sweet as can be to everyone else. She was controlling, manipulative, judgemental, etc. It was really getting on my nerves. Everything I did was scrutinised and I would get the silent treatment, eye-rolls and snide comments constantly. During the trip I just pretended not to notice this and was nice to all of them (I had paid for this trip, why should I let them ruin it?!) but once I was home I snapped and came to a conclusion. They aren't my friends. They used to be, but now they treat me like shit but still want me to do what they say. They don't offer advice, they tell me what to do. I'm so sick of it. I cannot even be bothered discussing it with them as it's been going on for too long and I don't want to fix our friendship. They really aren't nice people. A lot of stuff has happened with this group over the past few months, too much to start blogging about. But basically one of them decided they didn't like me so made up stories about me to get others not to like me either. I didn't do anything in response. I didn't tell people, I didn't bitch about this person because I wasn't about to sink to their level. Overall they were successful - my group of close friends for the past couple years have cut me out so to speak. Not entirely, they still concoct stories about me behind my back and a lot of their "drama for amusement" is about me somehow. I don't really talk to any of them anymore. I don't consider any of them friends. Some of them know this, some of them don't but sooner or later they'll realise. The advantage of this widespread vendetta against me, means people who are my true friends have become clear. Many of them have come to me letting me know they're there for me. Some people who dislike my old friends have even let me know too. My friend group have always been very popular in the year and I believed them to be well liked. But now that I'm out of their inner circle, I'm hearing a lot more negative opinions of them. It's somewhat reassuring, if only in a completely childish way.

Coming out
Now that I'm so much more sure of myself and who I am as a person, I'm getting frustrated with being in the closet. I don't want to announce it to the world tomorrow. But I'm starting to wonder if I'll last till September like I originally planned. I want to tell people. I want to get on with my life. I feel like I'm lying and therefore stuck in a rut because I'm not moving forward with all aspects of my life. There's no way I'll fully come out while I'm still in high school, but I am considering telling my family or the few true friends that stuck by me before. If I do decide to though, I don't know which is best to tell first. I think I would feel more uncomfortable with my family knowing. I can't really escape them if they're negative and even if they are positive I don't think I'm ready to be "the gay one". I would feel far too self conscious, and worried our relationships would somehow change. If I tell a friend, I can get away from them if they are negative and I would probably be okay with them knowing, but I would have to explain why I've been "straight" for so long. And what if they decide to tell someone else? My school is VERY gossipy and news travels fast. I'm not ready for that kind of attention. I don't know what to do. Tell my family and risk awkward home-life for 5 months? Tell my friends and risk rejection and widespread gossiping? Or stick to my original plan and wait frustratedly till I go to university?

Help!?




P.S I have no idea why the last bit is huge...I can't get it to go to normal size :/

Holiday!

I won't be posting for a while as I'm off on a little trip to Italia in 8 hours! Looking forward to it! Not quite excited yet as I never get overly excited anymore until I'm actually on the plane. I think I may have just grown out of being madly excited in the weeks before holidays, Christmas, birthdays etc. I'm also looking forward to the plane journey. I love flying! The thought of being in a big metal can with nothing but thousands of feet of air below you thrills me! I even kinda like turbulence. Its a little adrenaline rush and the fact there's nothing you personally can do to minimise the danger prevents me from panicking. So lets hope there are a few minor storms over Europe tomorrow! :D

See you in 8 days!

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