I'm Back

Unwanted attention

Got back a few days ago from my trip to Italia. Had a great time overall and enjoyed the time away. The scenery was stunning! I visited the Alpine region so got lots of photos of snow-capped mountains to take home. I really like Italy. I like the food, I like the language, I like the history, I like the people...mostly. The only think I'm not a huge fan of is how casual the Italians seem to be regarding sexual comments. It could be just British prudishness, but I find it almost offensive sometimes. There were around 20 girls on the trip and almost every single one of them received unwanted attention from Italian men (often men three times their age). I know it's a different culture and different things are acceptable but sometimes it just seemed a bit too much. The guys got attention too but no where near as often or as aggressive as the girls got.

I even "supposedly" got advances from a 30-something Italian guy in the street. He stared directly at me smiling and shouted "hey boys!". I automatically assumed he was insulting the two girls I was sitting with....haha! but was told by one of the girls (who travels a lot) that Italians will often say the plural when they mean the singular. ie. "hey boy!" No more than 30 seconds after this, a 40-something unattractive man cycled past us very very slowly grinning like a mad man and blurted "ciao bella!" like he was about to burst with excitement. I understand foreigners can be exciting and Italians are generally quite forward, but like I said before...it's a bit much.

"Friends"

Another thing that I didn't enjoy had nothing to do with Italy. My "friends". They were driving me insane. There's a lot of drama going on at the moment which I am doing my utmost to avoid. I just act pleasant to them but never engage when they talk about any specific drama because I have come to realise they cause most of the problems in their lives, just so they have something to amuse themselves with! One of the friends there was Jen (see attention seeking) and she had decided she just had to be a bitch to me for the whole week and sweet as can be to everyone else. She was controlling, manipulative, judgemental, etc. It was really getting on my nerves. Everything I did was scrutinised and I would get the silent treatment, eye-rolls and snide comments constantly. During the trip I just pretended not to notice this and was nice to all of them (I had paid for this trip, why should I let them ruin it?!) but once I was home I snapped and came to a conclusion. They aren't my friends. They used to be, but now they treat me like shit but still want me to do what they say. They don't offer advice, they tell me what to do. I'm so sick of it. I cannot even be bothered discussing it with them as it's been going on for too long and I don't want to fix our friendship. They really aren't nice people. A lot of stuff has happened with this group over the past few months, too much to start blogging about. But basically one of them decided they didn't like me so made up stories about me to get others not to like me either. I didn't do anything in response. I didn't tell people, I didn't bitch about this person because I wasn't about to sink to their level. Overall they were successful - my group of close friends for the past couple years have cut me out so to speak. Not entirely, they still concoct stories about me behind my back and a lot of their "drama for amusement" is about me somehow. I don't really talk to any of them anymore. I don't consider any of them friends. Some of them know this, some of them don't but sooner or later they'll realise. The advantage of this widespread vendetta against me, means people who are my true friends have become clear. Many of them have come to me letting me know they're there for me. Some people who dislike my old friends have even let me know too. My friend group have always been very popular in the year and I believed them to be well liked. But now that I'm out of their inner circle, I'm hearing a lot more negative opinions of them. It's somewhat reassuring, if only in a completely childish way.

Coming out
Now that I'm so much more sure of myself and who I am as a person, I'm getting frustrated with being in the closet. I don't want to announce it to the world tomorrow. But I'm starting to wonder if I'll last till September like I originally planned. I want to tell people. I want to get on with my life. I feel like I'm lying and therefore stuck in a rut because I'm not moving forward with all aspects of my life. There's no way I'll fully come out while I'm still in high school, but I am considering telling my family or the few true friends that stuck by me before. If I do decide to though, I don't know which is best to tell first. I think I would feel more uncomfortable with my family knowing. I can't really escape them if they're negative and even if they are positive I don't think I'm ready to be "the gay one". I would feel far too self conscious, and worried our relationships would somehow change. If I tell a friend, I can get away from them if they are negative and I would probably be okay with them knowing, but I would have to explain why I've been "straight" for so long. And what if they decide to tell someone else? My school is VERY gossipy and news travels fast. I'm not ready for that kind of attention. I don't know what to do. Tell my family and risk awkward home-life for 5 months? Tell my friends and risk rejection and widespread gossiping? Or stick to my original plan and wait frustratedly till I go to university?

Help!?




P.S I have no idea why the last bit is huge...I can't get it to go to normal size :/

Work.

The place I work has a lot of staff from several towns in the surrounding area. Today, during a typical conversation with my generally dull coworkers, the topic of where we all lived came up. Here's how it went:

(each employee will be given a number and each town a letter)

1: where are you from?

2: town A

1: haha fuckin tramp, what about you?

Me: oh I'm from town B

2: town B is full of fuckin gays.

I say nothing.

2: that's why he goes there every Friday night!

1: what you talking about? You fuckin go there more than me.

2: haha shut up. Its full of gays you gotta watch out.

1: yeah make sure one c**t doesn't fuckin get you.

Topic changed.

I remained silent throughout this. Perhaps I should have said something about how ridiculous their comments were but I know there is no telling these people. Yet another reason I havn't come out. I always think about the impact my coming out will have on my family. But what about my work and any other part of my life?

I cant wait to move away from here.

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