Work.

The place I work has a lot of staff from several towns in the surrounding area. Today, during a typical conversation with my generally dull coworkers, the topic of where we all lived came up. Here's how it went:

(each employee will be given a number and each town a letter)

1: where are you from?

2: town A

1: haha fuckin tramp, what about you?

Me: oh I'm from town B

2: town B is full of fuckin gays.

I say nothing.

2: that's why he goes there every Friday night!

1: what you talking about? You fuckin go there more than me.

2: haha shut up. Its full of gays you gotta watch out.

1: yeah make sure one c**t doesn't fuckin get you.

Topic changed.

I remained silent throughout this. Perhaps I should have said something about how ridiculous their comments were but I know there is no telling these people. Yet another reason I havn't come out. I always think about the impact my coming out will have on my family. But what about my work and any other part of my life?

I cant wait to move away from here.

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Being gay and coming out.

As a child

I think I realised I was different around the age of seven. The first indicator I had (that I remember) was from who I liked in TV shows. I used to watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer with my siblings on a weekly basis so we were all fans of the show. One time when I got dragged to the shops with my mother (I think it was so I could give her ideas of what I wanted for my birthday) I saw a selection of Buffy posters and got very excited as I had been looking for posters for my wall. At this age I wanted to be like my older, "cooler" siblings as much as possible and in their teenage-angst years the fashion was to have your bedroom walls littered with posters of pop culture. I asked my mother for the poster I liked the most and sure enough I was given it at a later date (it is for this reason I think it was for my birthday but I can't quite remember). The poster was the EXACT one I asked for. A portrait of the male hero-vampire "Angel". Later my brother asked me why I didn't get a poster of Buffy herself? "she's hot!" I immediately became embarrassed but quickly replied that it was just because I wanted to be like Angel not because I wanted to look at his ugly mug. Nice save...

Little incidents such as this made me realise at quite a young age I was different from my brothers and peers. Due to my age there was no feelings of a sexual nature yet but I definitely enjoyed seeing guys over girls. When watching films or TV shows I would be most attracted to the male lead rather than the female. I didn't know this meant I was homosexual at this point but I felt different and I HATED it!

Early High School

It was during the first few years of high school I began to actually realise I was gay. Going into high school I was suddenly exposed to endless playground taunts and stories that taught me everything from what a dildo is to why a girl's private parts are called a "three-eyed monster". The learning curve was steep. I also learnt that "fag, gay-boy, queer etc" were all insults used to imply somebody (usually a male) was attracted to people of the same gender. And also, that I WAS a fag, gay-boy, queer. My intense desire to fit in meant that I never admitted it to myself let alone anyone else. I was aware of it but never thought about it. I would act in a way that I believed was "straight" and would also use the insults previously mentioned, along with describing everything I didn't like under the sun as "gay". I'm not proud of it, but at that time the MOST important thing in the world was that nobody ever found out what was "wrong" with me.

Luckily I could act "straight" and never have to actually BE straight. In the first few years of high school I was very overweight and therefore got little/no attention from girls. That suited me perfectly. I never had to think of an excuse and I could even go as far as asking girls out knowing fine well I would get rejected but everyone would know I tried.

Middle High School

When talking to my friends one day(two girls and two guys). One of them mentioned that they're cousin had "come out". I didn't say anything and just listened to the conversation, curious as to what their thoughts would be. To my surprise, they thought it must be really difficult for a gay person our age, not being able to tell anyone or express how you feel. I felt relieved! I even considered blurting it out then and there! The closet door was ajar and I was peeking through the gap! At the end of the conversation, one of the girls added: "I could never be friends with one though, it would be so weird!" to which the others all responded in an "obviously!" manner. And so the door was slammed in my face and I was back in the dark.

Also during this time, I did the seemingly standard thing of falling in love with my best friend. We had never spoken up until the age of around thirteen and randomly got put together in one class. From then on we got closer and closer. Hung out more and more. For a fantastic two years we were as close as can be. He trusted me with all the things he had never told anybody and I did the same (not quite everything). We were very, very close. At the age of fifteen, he got a girlfriend. He naturally spent most of his time with her and told me less and less. I got insanely jealous and took some pretty drastic measures (which I may talk about another time). It wasn't entirely down to him getting a girlfriend that I got so upset. I think it was the realisation that I couldn't be that happy. I couldn't flirt with some guy in class, stay up late at night texting them, kiss at the end of a party and end up dating. I got very depressed. I don't know if I was actually "in love" with him. I don't know if I even knew what "love" was but all I know is I cared about him a lot and it was gut-wrenching to see him with a girl.

Over time I got over him, I got less depressed and I realised there are more important things in life. I decided, don't get too into a guy until I am out and can act on it. I remained friends with him but we were never as close.

Later

Towards the end of my high school years I finally admitted to myself that I'm gay. I had always known, but had never acknowledged it. Even when I "fell in love" with my best friend I persuaded myself that he was the only guy I could like and we had some strange emotional connection so maybe I wasn't actually gay? That, of course, was ridiculous but you can persuade yourself of incredible things if you really want to.

Thankfully, I didn't suddenly get the urge to wear a dress and skip everywhere. I stayed exactly the same. The decision to just act myself was rather underwhelming as nothing changed. I now realise it was silly of me to ever think something would! Nobody suspected me as despite my decision to be myself, my behaviour stayed the same.

Unfortunately, I had lost a lot of weight by this point and apparently was considered quite attractive. Therefore, I had no reason to not have a girlfriend. My solution? I told people I liked girls that I couldn't possible date. There were many excuses such as: she has a boyfriend, I don't want to ruin our friendship, we've been friends for too long now you feel more like a sister etc. The latest being a girl who is infamous for leading boys on and never sticking to one. I somehow made her suddenly want to settle down so I again had to come up with some elaborate reason I couldn't date her. This may seem cruel but I never led them on and it was always with girls who were not interested in me anyway. Only once has a girl seriously liked me. I had never chased after her she was just my best female friend and had fallen for me over time. I very gently let her down and we're still best friends.

In my final year, the topic of homosexuals again came up randomly. This time with my best female friend (the same one who had fallen for me a few years before). She was telling me how it's strange that lesbians really do not bother her, whereas gay guys creep her out and that she could never be friends with one as it would be "so weird!". I of course suggested this was just a tad close-minded but she assured me she wasn't homophobic just didn't feel comfortable around gays.

I still haven't come out and I won't for a while. I know I'm gay, I know I will come out in the near future. But I can't do it just now. Not in high school. My family have always been very vocal on their liberal views so I am not concerned I will be thrown out or anything like that. I'm just not comfortable with being seen as "gay" yet. I know it's very cowardly but no matter how accepting I think the people around me will be I'm not comfortable for them to think of me like that. Perhaps I'm a self-loathing gay. I don't think I am. I just feel I've built this life here and have lied about so many things for so long that I can't handle having to explain myself. They say your true friends won't care but I suspect I would have very few "true friends" after coming out. It's just not worth the hassle.

I plan to move to go to college in the near future and I am almost 100% sure I will arrive there an out-of-the-closet gay man. I won't need to come out to anyone. I will just tell new people if they ask and let everyone else figure it out for themselves. This may be a cowardly choice but to me, it's the only realistic one I have.




I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S UP WITH THE COLOURS. IT WON'T LET ME CHANGE IT TO WHITE OR CHANGE THAT RANDOM SECTION IN THE MIDDLE TO ANYTHING BUT BLACK :S

Internet flattery/stupidity

Sometimes I go onto online chat sites to talk to random gay guys. Since I'm in the closet I have no real communication with gay men...at all. So I sometimes find the chat sites useful to just talk to folk.

Anyway so I was on the chat site (fully clothed might I add!) and this very hot guy came on and talked to me. At this exact time I was busy watching something online so just left the window minimised expecting the hot guy to go and find someone else to talk to. Five minutes later my video finishes and I go back to the chat site. The hot guys sitting naked jerking off...to my face. I'm completely wrapped up and am showing nothing below my shoulders. I wasn't winking, smiling, smirking, nothing! Just a vacant stare at a screen as I watched my video. I sat expressionless for another minute watching the hot guy, wondering why he was so turned on. Within the minute he finished himself off, his muscles flexing as he came. I was confused.

My initial thought was he had probably also minimised the window and was watching porn or something, not realising I was witnessing everything. But I was wrong. Once he had finished he stuck his thumb up and began chatting to me. I completely panicked and exited the chat window. I was surprised this guy had got so turned on by... just my face?! I have never thought as myself as especially "hot" just average. The only attention I've ever had has been from girls so I've never taken it to heart or took it very seriously but (despite being totally perverted) this had actually made me feel rather flattered! In the strangest form of flattery possibly...and one I won't actually take to heart...I swear. Was just a nice little surprised from a very naked hot guy. ;)

Voice of an Angel!

Just listened to all of Adele's new album. Bloody brilliant! just listen.

Valentine's day.

So it's valentines day on Monday and I've been given a long weekend to "celebrate" the holiday. I'm not sure why... To me, valentine's day has never been a holiday or something I would celebrate. It's just one day a year when my parents would give each other cards and my father would forget to order flowers and my mother would get annoyed and everyone would be glad when it was over!

I also don't feel it's a real "holiday". More just a very clever marketing ploy to get every couple to feel they must buy each other presents and cards or they clearly aren't in love. It's a hallmark holiday basically. I am a romantic though, it's not like I am completely pessimistic about romance. Despite having never been in a proper relationship, I know I would be very romantic when given the chance. Which makes me wonder, would I feel differently about valentine's day if I had somebody to share it with? Would I end up buying all the cutesy presents and make a huge deal about it? Being in the closet and living where I live greatly reduces the chance of meeting someone so perhaps I won't appreciate valentine's until this changes. OR maybe everybody feels it's a chore but something they have to do when in a relationship. Any thoughts?

New Blog! (sort of)

I changed my blog! I didn't know you could change the name after making a blog but turns out...you can! Silly me. Changed a few of the layout features too while I was at it. Had a good old geek-out with the layout (rhymes!), so I'm much happier with it now.

Also changed the picture. It's meaning is along the same lines of the old one I guess: standing out; feeling different/unusual etc. But really I just liked the picture... Plus it should encourage me to eat more fruit! :)

Awkward Skype Chats.

Recently I've had to start using skype to talk to someone that moved far away and I wanted to stay in touch with. Is it just me or is it bloody awkward!? Having the camera on and typing messages to one another is fine. Just talking without camera on is also fine. But camera and talking just seems to lead to interrupting eachother constantly and a series of "you go" "no, you!" *simultaneously* "ok, i'll go!"

Does anybody else find this? It's not like it's somebody I would normally feel awkward around, I know them very well but staring at them on a screen is just weird to me...

It is the best way to communicate long distance. You see them in person, hear their voice and get a true understanding of how they're doing. But it's almost too personal. I feel like if it's going to be that personal where I'm talking to them face to face I want to be with them in person. Talking to somebody on a computer screen is very personal and in your face but because the actual presence of the person is lost the intimacy feels uncomfortable. Does that make any sense?

what was I thinking?!

I hate my blog title. It's immature, "gay" and incredibly nauseating. I realise it wasn't long ago that I made it buy seriously...WTF was I thinking?! First off using lyrics from a song as my blog title...lame. Using lyrics from a Disney "dreams do come true" type song...fucking disgusting. I don't even speak spanish! I used google translate to see what it meant! I make my self sick...

Control

When I was younger I was a very unhealthy child, too many sweets and television combined resulted in me having a BMI of around 32 when I was 12. When puberty hit I became very self conscious and fortunately made a determined effort to combat my "obesity". Unfortunately, this resulted in a rather obsessive summer of eating very little and exercising at every chance. I was never anorexic as I would still eat at least once a day but my diet was by no means healthy. I would go running, go the gym, take the stairs instead of the escalator and even bounce my leg up and down while sitting just to burn those few extra calories. Weighing myself became an obsession, doing it up to 10 times in a day! This was ridiculous as, of course, there was never any great change but to me it was very important to track my progress. If I had gone until 6pm without eating anything and there hadn't been a change to my weight then I CLEARLY wasn't working hard enough. In the space of about 8 weeks I lost around 3 stone and while I was happier with my body, I never felt it was enough. People (specifically my parents) began to comment on my weight but I gave very plausible explanations. 'I was growing and losing my "puppy fat"', 'I only SEEM very thin in comparison to my younger fatter self', I would even time my one meal a day to when somebody was around to witness it. This way nobody questioned how I lost so much weight. Loved ones do not WANT to hear there is something wrong. So if you give a perfectly reasonable explanation, they'll take it. The obsessive-ness died down slightly during winter but for the next year I was still a bit too wary of what I ate and how much.


Now, I am much healthier. Once I left puberty and lost my self-consciousness behind I realised there were more important things. My body no longer worries me to the same extent so I now focus on ways to be healthy. I still work out and have remained at a healthier weight but no where near as low as before. I do sometimes have periods where I will be intensely healthy for a month but then other months I will behave like my 12 year old self and be a complete slob so I think it evens out.

I think the reason for my behaviour is I like to be in control. I think it is a part of my personality that I need to be addicted to something, or feel in control of some aspect of my life at all times. The weight obsession was for one Summer/year but there have been a few other things that have happened in my life that could also be explained this way. It's almost as if I must have something to focus my energy on that nobody else can influence or ruin for me because I'm the only one that knows about it. There are at least 2 other situations such as this where it's something only I can control. Normally the noticable episodes of this happen at times when I'm very stressed or feeling lost in some way, but I wonder if in my day to day life I am controlling but do not notice because I control little things...

Sometimes I think too much of my life is mapped out for me and I wish to break free from it. But then other times I think my plans for the future are actually what I want, and it's just coincidence that those around me have always urged me to follow this path. I think this could be the reason for my controlling episodes though. So much about my life is decided already and I don't know if it's me that's decided it. So to get over this feeling I focus on something only I can decide (such as my diet) and go a bit mental with it.

Yet another rambling post that doesn't explain enough. Perhaps my other "episodes of control" and my mapped out life will be another post down the line.