Control

When I was younger I was a very unhealthy child, too many sweets and television combined resulted in me having a BMI of around 32 when I was 12. When puberty hit I became very self conscious and fortunately made a determined effort to combat my "obesity". Unfortunately, this resulted in a rather obsessive summer of eating very little and exercising at every chance. I was never anorexic as I would still eat at least once a day but my diet was by no means healthy. I would go running, go the gym, take the stairs instead of the escalator and even bounce my leg up and down while sitting just to burn those few extra calories. Weighing myself became an obsession, doing it up to 10 times in a day! This was ridiculous as, of course, there was never any great change but to me it was very important to track my progress. If I had gone until 6pm without eating anything and there hadn't been a change to my weight then I CLEARLY wasn't working hard enough. In the space of about 8 weeks I lost around 3 stone and while I was happier with my body, I never felt it was enough. People (specifically my parents) began to comment on my weight but I gave very plausible explanations. 'I was growing and losing my "puppy fat"', 'I only SEEM very thin in comparison to my younger fatter self', I would even time my one meal a day to when somebody was around to witness it. This way nobody questioned how I lost so much weight. Loved ones do not WANT to hear there is something wrong. So if you give a perfectly reasonable explanation, they'll take it. The obsessive-ness died down slightly during winter but for the next year I was still a bit too wary of what I ate and how much.


Now, I am much healthier. Once I left puberty and lost my self-consciousness behind I realised there were more important things. My body no longer worries me to the same extent so I now focus on ways to be healthy. I still work out and have remained at a healthier weight but no where near as low as before. I do sometimes have periods where I will be intensely healthy for a month but then other months I will behave like my 12 year old self and be a complete slob so I think it evens out.

I think the reason for my behaviour is I like to be in control. I think it is a part of my personality that I need to be addicted to something, or feel in control of some aspect of my life at all times. The weight obsession was for one Summer/year but there have been a few other things that have happened in my life that could also be explained this way. It's almost as if I must have something to focus my energy on that nobody else can influence or ruin for me because I'm the only one that knows about it. There are at least 2 other situations such as this where it's something only I can control. Normally the noticable episodes of this happen at times when I'm very stressed or feeling lost in some way, but I wonder if in my day to day life I am controlling but do not notice because I control little things...

Sometimes I think too much of my life is mapped out for me and I wish to break free from it. But then other times I think my plans for the future are actually what I want, and it's just coincidence that those around me have always urged me to follow this path. I think this could be the reason for my controlling episodes though. So much about my life is decided already and I don't know if it's me that's decided it. So to get over this feeling I focus on something only I can decide (such as my diet) and go a bit mental with it.

Yet another rambling post that doesn't explain enough. Perhaps my other "episodes of control" and my mapped out life will be another post down the line.