As a child
I think I realised I was different around the age of seven. The first indicator I had (that I remember) was from who I liked in TV shows. I used to watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer with my siblings on a weekly basis so we were all fans of the show. One time when I got dragged to the shops with my mother (I think it was so I could give her ideas of what I wanted for my birthday) I saw a selection of Buffy posters and got very excited as I had been looking for posters for my wall. At this age I wanted to be like my older, "cooler" siblings as much as possible and in their teenage-angst years the fashion was to have your bedroom walls littered with posters of pop culture. I asked my mother for the poster I liked the most and sure enough I was given it at a later date (it is for this reason I think it was for my birthday but I can't quite remember). The poster was the EXACT one I asked for. A portrait of the male hero-vampire "Angel". Later my brother asked me why I didn't get a poster of Buffy herself? "she's hot!" I immediately became embarrassed but quickly replied that it was just because I wanted to be like Angel not because I wanted to look at his ugly mug. Nice save...
Little incidents such as this made me realise at quite a young age I was different from my brothers and peers. Due to my age there was no feelings of a sexual nature yet but I definitely enjoyed seeing guys over girls. When watching films or TV shows I would be most attracted to the male lead rather than the female. I didn't know this meant I was homosexual at this point but I felt different and I HATED it!
Early High School
It was during the first few years of high school I began to actually realise I was gay. Going into high school I was suddenly exposed to endless playground taunts and stories that taught me everything from what a dildo is to why a girl's private parts are called a "three-eyed monster". The learning curve was steep. I also learnt that "fag, gay-boy, queer etc" were all insults used to imply somebody (usually a male) was attracted to people of the same gender. And also, that I WAS a fag, gay-boy, queer. My intense desire to fit in meant that I never admitted it to myself let alone anyone else. I was aware of it but never thought about it. I would act in a way that I believed was "straight" and would also use the insults previously mentioned, along with describing everything I didn't like under the sun as "gay". I'm not proud of it, but at that time the MOST important thing in the world was that nobody ever found out what was "wrong" with me.
Luckily I could act "straight" and never have to actually BE straight. In the first few years of high school I was very overweight and therefore got little/no attention from girls. That suited me perfectly. I never had to think of an excuse and I could even go as far as asking girls out knowing fine well I would get rejected but everyone would know I tried.
Middle High School
When talking to my friends one day(two girls and two guys). One of them mentioned that they're cousin had "come out". I didn't say anything and just listened to the conversation, curious as to what their thoughts would be. To my surprise, they thought it must be really difficult for a gay person our age, not being able to tell anyone or express how you feel. I felt relieved! I even considered blurting it out then and there! The closet door was ajar and I was peeking through the gap! At the end of the conversation, one of the girls added: "I could never be friends with one though, it would be so weird!" to which the others all responded in an "obviously!" manner. And so the door was slammed in my face and I was back in the dark.
Also during this time, I did the seemingly standard thing of falling in love with my best friend. We had never spoken up until the age of around thirteen and randomly got put together in one class. From then on we got closer and closer. Hung out more and more. For a fantastic two years we were as close as can be. He trusted me with all the things he had never told anybody and I did the same (not quite everything). We were very, very close. At the age of fifteen, he got a girlfriend. He naturally spent most of his time with her and told me less and less. I got insanely jealous and took some pretty drastic measures (which I may talk about another time). It wasn't entirely down to him getting a girlfriend that I got so upset. I think it was the realisation that I couldn't be that happy. I couldn't flirt with some guy in class, stay up late at night texting them, kiss at the end of a party and end up dating. I got very depressed. I don't know if I was actually "in love" with him. I don't know if I even knew what "love" was but all I know is I cared about him a lot and it was gut-wrenching to see him with a girl.
Over time I got over him, I got less depressed and I realised there are more important things in life. I decided, don't get too into a guy until I am out and can act on it. I remained friends with him but we were never as close.
Later
Towards the end of my high school years I finally admitted to myself that I'm gay. I had always known, but had never acknowledged it. Even when I "fell in love" with my best friend I persuaded myself that he was the only guy I could like and we had some strange emotional connection so maybe I wasn't actually gay? That, of course, was ridiculous but you can persuade yourself of incredible things if you really want to.
Thankfully, I didn't suddenly get the urge to wear a dress and skip everywhere. I stayed exactly the same. The decision to just act myself was rather underwhelming as nothing changed. I now realise it was silly of me to ever think something would! Nobody suspected me as despite my decision to be myself, my behaviour stayed the same.
Unfortunately, I had lost a lot of weight by this point and apparently was considered quite attractive. Therefore, I had no reason to not have a girlfriend. My solution? I told people I liked girls that I couldn't possible date. There were many excuses such as: she has a boyfriend, I don't want to ruin our friendship, we've been friends for too long now you feel more like a sister etc. The latest being a girl who is infamous for leading boys on and never sticking to one. I somehow made her suddenly want to settle down so I again had to come up with some elaborate reason I couldn't date her. This may seem cruel but I never led them on and it was always with girls who were not interested in me anyway. Only once has a girl seriously liked me. I had never chased after her she was just my best female friend and had fallen for me over time. I very gently let her down and we're still best friends.
In my final year, the topic of homosexuals again came up randomly. This time with my best female friend (the same one who had fallen for me a few years before). She was telling me how it's strange that lesbians really do not bother her, whereas gay guys creep her out and that she could never be friends with one as it would be "so weird!". I of course suggested this was just a tad close-minded but she assured me she wasn't homophobic just didn't feel comfortable around gays.
I still haven't come out and I won't for a while. I know I'm gay, I know I will come out in the near future. But I can't do it just now. Not in high school. My family have always been very vocal on their liberal views so I am not concerned I will be thrown out or anything like that. I'm just not comfortable with being seen as "gay" yet. I know it's very cowardly but no matter how accepting I think the people around me will be I'm not comfortable for them to think of me like that. Perhaps I'm a self-loathing gay. I don't think I am. I just feel I've built this life here and have lied about so many things for so long that I can't handle having to explain myself. They say your true friends won't care but I suspect I would have very few "true friends" after coming out. It's just not worth the hassle.
I plan to move to go to college in the near future and I am almost 100% sure I will arrive there an out-of-the-closet gay man. I won't need to come out to anyone. I will just tell new people if they ask and let everyone else figure it out for themselves. This may be a cowardly choice but to me, it's the only realistic one I have.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S UP WITH THE COLOURS. IT WON'T LET ME CHANGE IT TO WHITE OR CHANGE THAT RANDOM SECTION IN THE MIDDLE TO ANYTHING BUT BLACK :S
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