I think I have an addictive personality. I don’t see it as too much of a problem since I’m aware of it which I think is healthier than ignoring it. In the past I have been addicted to all sorts of things. At any one point I will be addicted to something. This thing could be a small irrelevant thing like a TV show or a type of food. Or it could be a much bigger thing like a person or not eating food. In the next few posts I’ll talk about the more serious ones as I don’t really care if I was obsessed with a TV show and I don’t think anyone else will be...
People
At times I’ve become obsessive over certain people. Never to a dangerous extent or stalker-ish but just were I think about them a lot, for longer than is justified. I would think about them before I went to sleep, when I got a text I would hope it was them etc. I somewhat believe this was a manifestation of being a closeted teen and not being able to express any attractions. It’s true it was more often than not an obsession with a guy, but sometimes it would be for female friends. It was just I would plan ways to talk to them, or get excited if I knew I was spending time with just them on a project or something along those lines. I wouldn’t be awkwardly invasive but I would enjoy being with them more than other people and make an effort to further our relationship or our bond. Usually this was fine and I would become better friends with them and the obsession would die after a short while. However, sometimes I think I would feel we were better friends than we actually were, and then be disappointed if they didn’t make as much effort as I felt they should.
I became particularly obsessed with one friend in particular who I’ve mentioned before. Let’s call him H. H was my best friend growing up and, although I had no initial attraction for him, once we became very close friends I found I thought of him...a lot! It became most obvious when he got his first girlfriend and therefore spent a lot of time with her. All his secrets and just general things he was thinking were now told to her instead of me and I became incredibly upset and jealous. It was at this point I sort of lost it and felt I would never be able to have a “normal” relationship like he did because I was gay. This was over 2 years ago now but for a 2 month period my addiction for him switched to an addiction much more serious which will come in a later post.
Over the past year or so I’ve come to realise being obsessed with friends rarely ends with me being satisfied so I’ve managed to stop this unhealthy habit and now take a much more relaxed approach to relationships. If I want to spend time with someone I’ll ask them but I won’t take it personally if they decline. Nor will I make a special effort in the future if someone is dismissive of me. I make effort with those that make effort with me and I now feel I have a more “true” friends and have distanced myself from those that took advantage of me. I feel I've mostly gotten over this "addiction" but who knows what will happen once I actually get a boyfriend. I'll could be a clingy mess but I doubt it.
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